Although I didn't know much about being a Dad, I did know far more about various procedures, monitoring devices and medications being employed by the medical staff to treat Logan. The medical staff in the NICU was great about explaining what needed to be done, and the different aspects of Logan's care. They were all willing to answer any questions that we had along the way and made sure that we were involved as much as possible with the care of Logan. They did however leave out much of the details about the gravity of the situation and were always cautious about what they told us. Being at the end of my chiropractic training there were a few things that I knew that no NICU parent should have to know. The first being how to read and understand the heart rate monitor. You have all seen on television or elsewhere the monitor that spikes up and down with the beat of the heart. This was a very prominent feature at Logan's bedside. As the pattern flowed across the screen I couldn't help but watch. The different peaks and valleys represent what is occurring electrically with the heart. At times it was scary to watch as his little heart would miss beats, go into brief moments of fibrillation and sometimes slow to alarming rates. While Logan was on a ventilator he had to be routinely poked so that his blood gases could be monitored. Often times the only thing we were told was his numbers were holding steady. A few times I overheard what his blood gas numbers were. It's not good, but it's not bad is another thing we were often told, but I knew the numbers being recorded were indeed bad numbers. When Logan was on antibiotics and the doctors feared what he was being given was not effective they said "we are just going to try a little bit different medication", but when I heard them put in the order I knew that was a "really big gun". An antibiotic reserved for hospital use only, the last line of defense. As Logan improved and new members of his team started working with him my advanced levels on knowledge caused less worry and turned from negative to positive. Working with occupational/physical therapy I was able to understand what they wanted to see from Logan. I was able to do exercises with Logan with little instruction. It appeared to me that the therapists enjoyed talking with a parent who knew about the kinetics of human movement and the importance of exercises.
As time continues to roll forward I have begun to notice small changes in my life and behavior. Talking with a friend a couple of weeks ago I mentioned "I don't know how much of my worry and concern is just because I am a Dad and how much is because of what Logan went through".
The reply was "I guarantee 95% because you are a Dad and 5% because of the other stuff". I supposed this is very true.
My life is forever changed because of that scary November night. I am so grateful for the growth and learning that I have gained through this experience and look forward with fondness for the increase amount of love that I feel. The question has been asked "don't you feel like you played God?". I don't know does God love His children unconditionally, does God do everything possible to help His children, would God take away all our pain if it were possible, does God provide all that He can for us? Then the correct answer is yes. And not because anything I did changed what the outcome would have been, not because the doctors and nurses were able to change the will of God. Had it been possible I would have at any moment traded places with Logan. I want nothing but the very best for that little dude. There is nothing I would not have sacrificed for him. And all that I did, I did because of love. If I could control God I would have changed nothing. He alone provided for Logan, through advances in medicine, the knowledge and training of the medical staff, and through the power of His priesthood. How grateful I am for the priesthood power that binds my family together forever. May we each find peace in knowing that God loves us individually, and His plan is a plan of happiness.
