From 93 to 1

Logan with his Dcuk

It has been one full year since our little miracle changed everything. It seems like just yesterday that I was driving well over the speed limit to get to the hospital where Logan would spend the first 3 months of his life. I can still remember being taught the hand washing routine and learning some of the very important rules of the NICU. We have learned many things and met so many wonderful people over the past year. And Logan, that sweet little dude is still making me smile.

This past year started with a little 1lb 15oz, 13 inch long little dude. A few different types of breathing machines, multiple x-rays, countless pricks of the heel for blood tests, a handful of amazing doctors, the world's best nurses, hours of worry and concern, thousands of prayers and positive thoughts, one LDS church ward that would never give up, sleepless nights and more love that is humanly possible has led to a miracle boy that is over 8x his birth weight and more than double his length.

Some of what I have learned over this year will continue to bless my life. My love for my Savior has grown more than I thought possible. I had never known before how much love a person is capable of, but it is more than you think. Other things I learned I hope to never need again, like how to work an Omni bed or how to fortify breast milk. Did you know that they make a blood pressure cuff that is small enough to fit around your pinkie finger or that you can use veins in your head for an IV?

The best part about this past year is that if you were to meet Logan for the first time today, you would have no idea what a struggle he went through to get here. He loves to play, wants desperately to learn how to walk so he can get into everything, and has now figured out how to clap. His smile which he freely shares will make the meanest grumpiest man feel happy.

Same Duck

If you don't believe in miracles or need a reason to have hope for the future, come talk with Logan he will set you straight.

A time for Thanksgiving

For the last four years we had the opportunity to celebrate Thanksgiving twice a year while I was attending school in the United States. However being away from family the celebration was never what it should have been. This year we have a lot to be thankful for, and being close to family this Canadian Thanksgiving was all the more special. And as such I thought it would be appropriate to list many of the things that I am thankful for.
I am so very grateful for:
The charge nurse on duty at Mt. Hood Medical Center that night Logan was born. I regretfully can not remember her name, but I have often thought about the effort she must have put forth to become a nurse and then the continual training she went through to obtain the position she was in. I will never know what was going through her mind that night but I do know she was very professional and calm for the duration of the ordeal. After the initial shock had worn off I remember asking her if she had ever done that before (she delivered Logan on her own) her reply "I have delivered many babies on my own, but never one that early".
The skill and training of the NICU transport team. Who quickly and effectively prepared Logan to move to his home in the Children's Hospital.
The many nurses and doctors at Legacy Emanuel hospital in Portland. There are so many special people that dedicated so much of their lives to take care of tiny little babies. I would name every one of them but I am sure I would leave some out. But I would like to give special mention to Malia who was Logan's primary nurse and become a great friend. The day we visited the hospital right before we moved we say Dr. Fred Baker who was so excited to see us and Logan that he wanted a picture with our little guy. How great it is that the doctors care so much for the little ones that they care for. Logan made sure that they were on their game and I think surprised them a little by the recovery he made.
The Blue Lake Ward of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Who without hesitation did all that they could for us and Logan. The special fast that was held on Logan's behalf and the multitude of prayers that were offered. Logan wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for what was done by each of the members of the ward.
The many hundreds of people that attended Mormon Temples where Logan's name was on the prayer roll. They sacrificed time to serve and worship and offered their faith on behalf of a tiny little baby that they never met and may never know.
Family. Family that dropped everything to offer a helping hand. Family that had as much worry as Diana and I had. Family that was willing to offer prayers for the first time. Family that love us and will always love us.
A loving, caring, perfect Heavenly Father. Who blessed me and my family beyond measure. Who continues to bless me daily. Who created a plan for families to be together forever. A Father's love which sustained me through difficult times. A Father that sent His Son to earth to overcome sin and death. A sacrifice that I don't completely understand, but that I rely on daily.
Friends. Friends that offered prayers, thoughts and all they could for us. Many of which do not share my faith, but offered what they believed would help, and it did.

This year Thanksgiving was more then just a turkey dinner. It was more than just spending time with friends and family. This list could have gone on and on. This past year has changed me. It has improved me. I see the love of a God all around me. Thank-you to everyone that has touched my life this year.

What people see

When you look at a little baby what do you see? When people meet our little guy, many notice his small size although he has made it up to 14 pounds 13 ounces. Others comment on how cute and adorable he is, not going to lie he is super cute. I have heard people talk about his big eyes, his calm demeanour and even his big feet. Interesting enough about a month after he was born when we could handle him a little bit more (his PIC line had finally been removed) I placed our wedding rings on his feet. Diana's ring fit over his foot, mine could slide all the way up his leg. When I look at little babies some of the things I usually notice are the chubby checks, ears that stick out, bald little heads or a goofy little smile.
Looking at my own little man I notice some completely different things. Things that remind me of the turmoil we went through and the amazing growth and recovery that Logan has been blessed with. Truth be told I don't need the visual reminders as these things are almost constantly on my mind. The things I see are overlooked by everyone that meets him, and no body would ever notice unless I point them out. I see the tiny little scars on his arms where IV's were inserted to give Logan much needed medications, blood and the like. I often think back to that very first night when all his veins were visible through his paper thin skin. The nurse needed no aid to locate an appropriate location for his very first IV. Logan has a couple of scars on his right ankle where his PIC line was located for the first month on his life. When I first arrived at the NICU a special team of nurses were working to get all the necessary lines and monitors connected. The PIC line is inserted at the ankle and made its way up to a larger blood vessel and as such must done under sterile conditions and guarded and watched closely. Some of the first instructions I was given was that I couldn't get within five or so feet of my new baby boy. From where I was standing all I could really see was a sterile hospital cover, a couple of gloved hands, multiple colored wires, and some bright lights illuminating the area. The bottom of his left heel is a patch work of scars. This is where blood was drawn for the various tests that needed to be run. At one point the nurses were poking and squeezing his foot every three hours. Tiny little tubes would be filled with his precious red blood and carried away where his blood gas levels and electrolyte levels were tested. On his lower abdomen are the scars that remind me of his hernia repairs. That one grueling night that we made the ever familiar drive to the hospital. I am sure I will be able to make that trip in my sleep for years to come. Most mornings it would take about 20 minutes of so, I think I once drove that path in less than 10.
Others things that I notice are the loud cries that he sometimes make. For so long we would have to really concentrate and be deadly silent to hear any noise that Logan would produce. The softness of his skin reminds me of Christmas day when I got to hold him for the very first time, just over a month after he was born. His tiny little body struggling to breath as he lay on my chest, skin to skin. The way that he still sleeps on my chest, arms stretched out head on my shoulder. In the hospital it always felt like he was giving me the biggest hug that he could muster.
His vibrant big eyes. When Logan was born his eyes were still fused shut. It was a couple of weeks before we got to see his eyes. And then most of the time his eyes were covered up with a special pair of sunglasses as he had to spend time under the UV light to help his fragile body breakdown the used up red blood cells and process the excess bilirubin.

The next time you see Logan or meet him for the first time all that you need to notice is that he is here. And very happy to be so. If you need proof just ask him and he will give you the biggest smile that you have ever seen.

So you're saying there's a chance.

The first few minutes of Logan's life.

Back on July 4th I received a phone call from a lady that I had worked with a while back. In her voice message she said she was calling because she remembered that my son was born early and was wondering how early because her daughter was going through something similar and just wanted to talk with someone who had been through that. She also said she thinks their situation may be a little worse. My first thought was I doubt things could be worse, Logan was born pretty early. Given that 24 weeks is the accepted cut-off for viability and Logan was born at 26.2. It turned out I was wrong.
After talking with her I found out that her daughter was 20 1/2 weeks pregnant when she went into labor and her water broke. My heart stopped for a minute while I tried to process. It turns out that she didn't delivery and was being monitored at the hospital. The chances of having that baby survive are pretty slim, but I will testify that miracles do happen. All my feelings of helplessness returned during our short conversation, which ending with me promising to pray for them and saying if they ended up at Randall's Children's Hospital I would love to come visit and help in any way.
It was hard not to think about those days right after Logan was born. Everyone we knew was hoping and praying for a miracle. I also had the thought that even a 1% chance means that it can happen. We had many experiences where the chances of things happening were really low and ended up happening to Logan. First only 12% of babies in the United States are born before 38 weeks, and 85% of those are born between 32-37 weeks which would put Logan around the 1% mark. The actual reason Logan was born early is still officially undetermined, but it was thought that it was due to a placental abruption. As there are no numbers on the amount of babies that survive I can tell you it is very small as there is no warning signs and it is often not found until it is too late.
The first % I was given from Dr. Larrabee was that Logan had around a 70% chance of survival. That seemed a lot higher than I was expecting so for me it was good news. News that until now I haven't shared with anyone.
Logan was given a mild sedative/pain reliever called Ativan, which in a small number of infants can have the opposite effect. On Logan it had the opposite effect. He was switched over to morphine and a note was made in his chart to avoid Ativan.
Logan had a few other conditions that are actually really common. The first being a patent ductus arterious (PDA), which is essential a bridge for fetal blood to bypass the lungs. Most/all infants are born with this, but it closes only hours or a couple days after birth. For Logan it remained patent which caused blood to accumulate on his lungs. The medication used to help close his PDA had a pretty high risk of side effects so the doctors were reluctant to use it. As to date no side effects have been noticed.
The other common condition was Logan's hernias. Apparently this occurs in high frequency for premature boys. As long as they would reduce they were not a big deal and would be fixed right before he went home. This is where Logan really shined in beating the odds. Before his surgery the surgical team discussed what would take place and some of the risks and possibilities. The first as with any surgery was the risk of infection. We were assured that all precautions would be taken and the risk was very small. The second was the possibility of recurrence of the hernias. We were assured there was only a really small chance that this would happen, less than 1%. 
Logan went for surgery the day before I had to leave to take my final chiropractic board exams. The day I returned Logan was not doing very well as an infection was brewing. The infection progressed so much that his incisions needed to be opened and drained. This gave us a couple more days in the hospital which turned out to be a good thing as our primary nurse was working the day that Logan was discharged. We definitely appreciated all the nurses in the NICU but Malia was definitely our favorite and it was a special treat to have her be the one to discharge Logan. It wasn't much longer that Logan had a hernia re-occur. We were told that it wasn't painful, but may cause some discomfort. This started a new waiting game, as the surgeon wouldn't operate until the first incisions had fully healed and recovered.



Our Family (the 1%)

In all of this I have learned that one in a million means that it will happen to one. A little hope is still hope. Hold on to what you have, believe in better things.

Being Dad

With the time to prepare myself to become a Dad being cut short, I often wonder what kind of changes would have taken place those last few weeks of Diana being pregnant. I remember joking with Diana that I was going to be out in the waiting area when our son was born. I am glad that I wasn't. What an amazing feeling it was to see and hear Logan take his very first breath. He had a large amount of help with the next few hundred breaths. At the moment when he quietly gasped for air I knew that whatever was to come this small child was mine forever. I found great comfort in knowing that I have a loving Heavenly Father who has prepared a way for my family to be together forever. Many times over the next few weeks I had to rely on the basic truths in which I believe. Prayer became a very prominent part of my day. I know that so many of our family and friends offered continual prayers, as did hundreds of strangers in different parts of Canada and the United States. How grateful I am for the Lord's plan and the structure of the LDS church.
Although I didn't know much about being a Dad, I did know far more about various procedures, monitoring devices and medications being employed by the medical staff to treat Logan. The medical staff in the NICU was great about explaining what needed to be done, and the different aspects of Logan's care. They were all willing to answer any questions that we had along the way and made sure that we were involved as much as possible with the care of Logan. They did however leave out much of the details about the gravity of the situation and were always cautious about what they told us. Being at the end of my chiropractic training there were a few things that I knew that no NICU parent should have to know. The first being how to read and understand the heart rate monitor. You have all seen on television or elsewhere the monitor that spikes up and down with the beat of the heart. This was a very prominent feature at Logan's bedside. As the pattern flowed across the screen I couldn't help but watch. The different peaks and valleys represent what is occurring electrically with the heart. At times it was scary to watch as his little heart would miss beats, go into brief moments of fibrillation and sometimes slow to alarming rates. While Logan was on a ventilator he had to be routinely poked so that his blood gases could be monitored. Often times the only thing we were told was his numbers were holding steady. A few times I overheard what his blood gas numbers were. It's not good, but it's not bad is another thing we were often told, but I knew the numbers being recorded were indeed bad numbers. When Logan was on antibiotics and the doctors feared what he was being given was not effective they said "we are just going to try a little bit different medication", but when I heard them put in the order I knew that was a "really big gun". An antibiotic reserved for hospital use only, the last line of defense. As Logan improved and new members of his team started working with him my advanced levels on knowledge caused less worry and turned from negative to positive. Working with occupational/physical therapy I was able to understand what they wanted to see from Logan. I was able to do exercises with Logan with little instruction. It appeared to me that the therapists enjoyed talking with a parent who knew about the kinetics of human movement and the importance of exercises.
As time continues to roll forward I have begun to notice small changes in my life and behavior. Talking with a friend a couple of weeks ago I mentioned "I don't know how much of my worry and concern is just because I am a Dad and how much is because of what Logan went through".
The reply was "I guarantee 95% because you are a Dad and 5% because of the other stuff". I supposed this is very true.
My life is forever changed because of that scary November night. I am so grateful for the growth and learning that I have gained through this experience and look forward with fondness for the increase amount of love that I feel. The question has been asked "don't you feel like you played God?". I don't know does God love His children unconditionally, does God do everything possible to help His children, would God take away all our pain if it were possible, does God provide all that He can for us? Then the correct answer is yes. And not because anything I did changed what the outcome would have been, not because the doctors and nurses were able to change the will of God. Had it been possible I would have at any moment traded places with Logan. I want nothing but the very best for that little dude. There is nothing I would not have sacrificed for him.  And all that I did, I did because of love. If I could control God I would have changed nothing. He alone provided for Logan, through advances in medicine, the knowledge and training of the medical staff, and through the power of His priesthood. How grateful I am for the priesthood power that binds my family together forever. May we each find peace in knowing that God loves us individually, and His plan is a plan of happiness.

Boy One

Logan was given many things not long after he was born. A hand made quilt to look at, a sheep skin to lay on, a fancy bed to sleep on and a nurse to watch over him 24/7 to name a few. One thing that he was not given was a name. As you can imagine hospitals are big on names. I am pretty sure that every nurse and doctor that I met that fateful night in November asked me what his name was. "I don't know," I would have to say over and over. The next day I was asked by every new person that I met. "We haven't picked one," was my repeated response. I felt a little inadequate as a father for many reasons and not having a name for my new boy was one of those reasons.
The hospital had to do something to identify our little dude so in the place of our baby's name it read "Diana Michel Baby Boy One". Once things are entered into the system there is no going back, so for the next 93 days Logan was known as Boy One. Eventually a very kind nurse put a note in the system to show that our guy did indeed have a name.
I believe around the beginning of November Diana was continually pestering me to come up with a list of names for a future son. Everyday she had a new name or three that she would ask me about. I tried with all that I could muster to politely brush her off until finally I broke down and said "He isn't due for like 4 months so you can talk to me about names at the beginning of February". This only held off Diana for a day or so and then the pestering came back full force. So I did what I do best, I came up with a list of outlandish names to keep her off my back. I am sure she threw a little fit, to my enjoyment and then began to refine her list while I wasn't around. In hind sight I decided it might be a good idea to nail down a name for your new child well in advance of the due date.  
The first couple of days of Logan's life we spent at his bed side watching and praying and praying and watching. For the first time in many days I'm sure Diana wasn't thinking about names. But the time quickly came for us to give our precious little baby a name. I vetoed every name Diana suggested, and she double vetoed every name that I thought up. I scoured the Internet searching out names with meaning like strength, powerful and the like. When we finally did decide on a name it still took us a day or so to actually acknowledge the fact. I am not really sure what we were scared about but it was a difficult task to actually name Logan.
I remember the fear I had when I first told the nurse the name we had chosen. And then it felt really good to say it out loud. My boy, who had been given so much from strangers and people we will never meet had something from me that he would carry for the rest of his life. Logan Wallace Michel you are mine forever and always, so hopefully we can forget about the first few days when you didn't have a name and focus on the amazing ones to come.

Make it an even 95!

Let me jump ahead in the story a little bit. Logan developed inguinal hernias which are very common things in preemies and not a really big deal for most babies. The problem... Logan isn't like most babies. The hernias were the last things that were to be repaired before we got to take little Logan home. As the time came closer to going home it became very apparent that we would not be spending anytime in the new, very chic children's hospital. It recently just won a very prestigious design award. As we learned about the hospital and the new features that would be available Diana wanted very much to go there. I mean after nearly 3 months of going to the hospital everyday and getting to know all the nurses and doctors it kind of felt like home.
The day soon came for Logan to have his surgery and it so happened to be right before I was headed to Calgary to write my Canadian Board exams. If all went well Logan could go home a couple days after the surgery and it was likely before I returned to Portland and only a couple weeks before the grand opening of the new hospital.
Logan had other plans.
Before the surgery the surgeon assured us of the simplicity of the procedure and told us that although there was a very small chance of re-occurrence, he had never had a failed hernia repair. With any surgery there is always a chance of infections but all precautions were to be taken. While I was away dominating my exams, Logan was back in Portland brewing himself another week in the hospital with a intense infection. His wounds had to be opened and drained and he was blasted with intense antibiotics. It didn't take long for the infection to clear up and Logan was soon cleared to go home. Just in time for a visit from Katie and Nathan, who were a big help in getting Logan settled in at home. And only a few days before the new hospital was to open.
It wasn't much longer when we started to notice that Logan's hernia had returned on the left side. The surgeon and his team told us that as long as it remained soft, we didn't have to worry. They would simply wait for Logan to heal from the first surgery and then go back in and repair it again. They assured us that it was not painful, just uncomfortable and somewhat of an annoyance. I guess Logan figured the surgeons were taking too long for his liking and so once again he took matters into his own hands.
One night he was irritable and just wouldn't go to sleep. Being the Dad I figured eventually he would just have to fall asleep. Of course I tried everything I could to help the poor guy out but soon caved and had Mom take over. While she was changing his diaper she noticed some redness on the right and his inguinal area was rock hard. This was about 2 in the morning. She informed me and immediately I knew we had to head to the hospital emergency room. It was going to be a very long night.
I really really really just hate hospitals, always have. This is one of the reasons why I didn't want to go to med school. Hospitals to me always smelled like someone was dying, people always looked really bad or hurt. The walls are always painted a drab color, the floors look dirty and everyone is dressed in the same ugly color scrubs. But the new hospital is amazing. The walls were painted in bright colors with cool pictures and bird houses on the walls. The floors sparkled and while it stilled smelled like a hospital it almost felt like we were home again. The lead aprons in the x-ray suite were even brightly colored and almost looked cool enough to wear. All the nurses took great care of us and Logan, although it was clear they didn't have the same expertise as the NICU nurses when it came to starting an IV in such tiny little veins. After two failed attempts Logan's IV had to be inserted into a vein on the top of his head. After the surgical resident examined Logan he determined that the bowel was indeed stuck and was being strangulated. It would have to be manually reduced and Logan would be having surgery the next day (or later that day as it was about 4:00am). Logan was given a dose of morphine to help with the pain and the resident then began the process of reducing the bowel. I have never had a hernia but I assure you that having it manually reduced is the most incredible pain that a human can endure. It didn't take the resident long to give up on the process. He said "I am going to have to call my boss to come take a look at this." I don't know if the wait gave the morphine more time to take effect or wear off, but either way I am sure it wasn't enough to dull the pain of what was about to happen. A little trick the nurses use to help babies settle down is using sugar water. It comes in these little purple things that you remove the top from and squirt into the babies mouth. The nurse collected as many of these as she could find before the surgeon began the horrific process of reducing Logan's incarcerated bowels. The next five minutes, which to me seemed like 20 and to Logan must have felt like an eternity, consisted of me removing the top of the sugar water container, handing them to the nurse who squeezed it into Logan's mouth, Diana trying to provide as much comfort as a mother can and the surgeon squeezing and pushing on the most sensitive part of the body. Once all the inside parts were tucked back up where they belonged, we were told that Logan would have surgery to repair the hernias. The doctor joked that these things always seem to happen in the middle of the night.
We made our way up to the room where our family would be spending the next couple of days. Wow, what a difference from the old NICU. Granted we were on the regular peds floor but it was still a huge improvement. In each room there is a white board where the nurses leave messages and write important information. They even took the time to write a big welcome message for Logan. I will forever be indebted to all the great nurses, and medical staff at Randall's Children's Hospital.
The next day, which was really just the continuation of the night Logan went into surgery. This time the surgeon needed to open up the area to get the job done while the first surgery was done laparoscopically. After the surgery he told us about what could go wrong and what to watch for but assured us that the chance of anything bad happening was minuscule. They were concerned about the damage that had been done to the bowel so we needed to stay over night to make sure everything was healing the way that it should. The surgeon then remarked, "now I can say that I have had a failed hernia surgery". I guess Logan just wanted to make sure that no one ever forgot him.
It was another restless night as Logan struggled through the pain of surgery but was soon getting back to eating and feeling better. Sunday afternoon we were again discharged from the hospital, this time for good we all hoped. That would bring the grand total to 95 days spent in the hospital, enough for a life time I always tell Logan. I know too many that seems like an unbearable amount of time. Along our journey we met other families that have had to spend more days in the hospital. You may not believe me but the amount of time doesn't really change the situation all that much, you really just learn to adapt. There are so many other things going on that cause concern and worry that numbering the days just gives you something to look back on.
Today Logan is doing amazing. His scars are healing over and before long will be hardly noticeable. Our lives have been blessed more abundantly that I can express. Daily we received help and comfort from a multiplicity of sources. If you know a NICU nurse give them a hug. If you ever have the chance to help a family with a preemie, do it. Even a bag full of goodies will go a long, long way. Across the country, across the world there are organizations that give to help ease the burdens of NICU life. Find one and give of yourself.

The hallway on the main floor of the hospital.

Logan and our room in the hospital. Of course the duck came with us.

Floor six of the hospital, on our way out.